It seems that things come in waves in life. Yesterday it was waves of pain and stress. I felt stressed about what to do moving forward with treatment. They have let me know that they would like to keep me on this program but I will have to take a steroid the night before and the morning of chemo to keep from having a reaction. I’m not excited about the idea of more steroids and Kris is calling Seattle today for me to see what their opinion is. I think 2 heads are better than one. Even on the steroids there is a chance that I could still have a reaction and that is kind of scary after this weeks events. So amidst this internal struggle I had requested a change at work that wasn’t as well received as I would have hoped. My job can be very stressful and that sometimes concerns me with my health moving forward. Time will tell and I will just trust my body and my intuition.
Then there is my beautiful friend Brandy. She has been a rock during my journey and an advocate for me in all aspects of my walk through this, from fund raising to late night calls. She has at times put my needs before her own and I can’t explain the beauty of her soul. Yesterday I learned that she is now fighting her own dark cloud. On January 27th she was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. My heart is broken for her as I know the long hard road that lye ahead. However her open heart and upbeat spirit will allow her to see the gifts in life that many of us tend to overlook when we aren’t on this journey. I know the gifts this disease can bring. I know Brandy will cherish each day and will learn and grow from every experience as she walks through it. There will be days when she is miserable and all she can do is sleep through the pain but there will be days that are such beautiful gifts with those that she loves. I feel blessed to be able to walk beside her as she has for me. It’s some times hard to fully understand where someone is coming from until you are in the same shoes. That is one gift this cancer has given me. I can truly understand the depths of depression, lows in mood and spirit and even the feeling of at times wanting to die just so that the exhaustion can be over. That was where I could truly connect with the man next to me this week. I could understand his pride being damaged as he had to go from being the provider of his life to having to be provided for. In a mans world at that point you become a burden. When I brought that up to him his eyes instantly filled with tears. I told him that I felt like a burden too because I had always been so independent and now I needed help from others. There was even a time when I could barely stand long enough to shower yet I refused help because I felt like I was surrendering. I didn’t want to become this cancer, that wasn’t my identity! I wanted to be me still but now with this new found will to live and passion to find my purpose in each day. His wife cried and said, “I can’t understand how he feels but you can.” That’s when I told him that feeling like a burden is our own perspective, our family and friends don’t feel that way. They feel more burdened if they think we have given up or that we don’t want o fight anymore. He cried and thanked me and said that he would look for me next week. I am excited to see what he decides to do moving forward. Brandy is now going to have those same powers to impact peoples lives for the better. Walking through this, even though I wish no one had to, makes you able to fully connect to people right where they are. I have had many highs and lows over the last 2 and a half years and each of those moments are a chance at growth. Brandy will bring many people hope and joy because of who she is but with this new found fight she will need love and support as well and I will be here every step of the way! We are already planning a chemo vacation where we can rock our bald heads together :) when we are on the other side of this we will look back as little old ladies drinking our juice and smiling at how we beat the odds and changed peoples lives along the way. I love you Brandy.
So after a day like that I decided that it was time for me to hit the ice for the first time in 8 months. I gathered up my things and headed to the rink. I had to think about how to put my gear on in my head to make sure I remembered. Everyone was so excited to see me and it felt good to be there. I headed into the locker room and started putting my pads on. My breezers are a little tighter than I remember as I was TINY when I started playing hockey and have recently put on some weight in my stagnancy. They still fit and I could feel a little pressure right on my incision sight but I knew I could do it. I laced up my skates and pulled my hair back into pigtails. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to endure a full hour of skating but just told myself , take short shifts and if you can’t go the whole time then don’t. We hit the ice and at first I felt like I didn’t really have my legs under me but it seemed to come back pretty quick. We started and I went on a defense line as usual. I was nervous because I hadn’t even tried skating backwards yet. The game was on, at first I could really feel my heart beating and I thought about how out of shape I was but I settled into a groove and controlled my breathing. It felt great to be out there and I love my muskrat team. I kept looking at the clock wondering if I would make it a full hour of skating without breaks. I made it the whole hour and 15 minutes and felt amazing afterwords with just some soreness in my belly from climbing over the wall. Rilynn was puking so we quickly gathered up everything and headed home. It was the release I needed and I slept like a rock. I can feel it a little in my energy level today bt over all handled it well. I am hoping to go back to playing each week and getting back in shape. Oxygen is good for the body.
Today is a new day and I am starting here and forgetting yesterday.
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